Inner thoughts and Advice

One of the greatest relationship I have is with my dad. I find myself talking to my dad about certain things that goes on in my life. Or more so I should say he talks to me about certain things i should observe. Here is a list of his knowledge he passes to me:

1. NEVER WAIT TO THE LAST MINUTE TO GET THINGS DONE

This is my dad's pet peeve that he has with me. He is right because time and time again I find myself getting a trouble or not completing a task at hand.

2. WHEN IT COMES TO YOU SIGNIFICANT OTHER MAKE SURE THAT HER INTENTIONS ARE WITH BOTH OF YOU AND NOT JUST WITH ONE PERSON

Weird, this maybe one of the hardest lessons I'm learning in life. This is mostly why i really cant keep a relationship intact. Sometimes I think its the case, but as time passes. I find out it was only temporary. A couple of times I am mostly to blame, and other times I just move to fast. I'm not even sure if this is even possible to follow this advice.

3. DO THINGS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE YOUR FORCE TO DO IT

Most of my life i was always told to do things, and not necessarily because I wanted to. I was told it was the right thing to do. I never really questioned things until I was 22 years old. I seem to learn more when I follow number 3, then when i don't.

4. NEVER LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU

My parents has always try to protect me from number. If they see it, they make it known and bring it to my knowledge. That is why I have few friends. Many of them have used me, and even some of my girlfriends. Dani has always been the person who makes sure I stay away from number 4 and I try to look out for her.

5. KNOWLEDGE IS IMPORTANT

My Dad always told me to always to ask questions. Sometimes I feel dumb when professors talk to me a certain way. Sometimes to gain knowledge you must learn to ask the right question.

I find it hard to complete all five of these task at the same time. But when have managed to have all 5 of these rules in play, I am usually the happiest soul in the world.

Catching Up

This has been the most interesting two years of my life. It seems like my motivation came from all the wrong reasons. I found myself in a quagmire between staying in michigan and continuing my education or heading back to Florida. It's weird because i found my greatest motivation not with myself, but with a woman who i thought wanted to spend the rest of my life with me. Some how some way, I found a way to make the funds work to head back to FAMU. When I returned, I found the woman I wanted to be with, only seen me as friend. More so she really couldn't stand to be around me. Ignore me and avoided me. Once again I made the decision for the wrong reason, but looked at it as an opportunity. Maybe it was time to focus on me. Then 3 weeks later, I found out it was another man. Maybe I did something wrong and just didn't know it. Although i didn't understand why I did it, but I apologized to her and wished her the best. She forgives me, and not only does she tells me she is engaged, but she is pregnant by him. WOW TO MY SHOCK. Broken once again, but maybe it was time to do me. On the 22nd of October i was invited to a party at her house, in which everyone wanted me to go. Took some convincing but i reluctantly went. Felt uncomfortable and stayed towards my home girls. Closing that chapter in my life.

The following week my sister threw a party in which i was planning to clear my head and mind of the situation. Interesting enough I meet my current wife at this party and we hit it off pretty well. However I was reluctant about having a relationship with her because of my past relationships. Yet she worked hard to try to have me understand that she was the right person for me. She convinced me. She was doing most women would necessarily do. I fell in love with her. In Decemeber, she end up moving in, due to some unforeseen circumstances. Now to explain this too my parents. At first they were accepting but as time past, they started to have their doubts. They met my wife for the first time Easter Weekend. They clashed. I heard it from both sides in which they its hard a relationship after a meeting happens as extreme as that. Yet I'm going to get through it.

Today i find myself living with my family. At least temporary and trying to get through the final stretches of school. Have much concerns and which I could hopefully solve. It will take a lot of patience and time. Hopefully I will keep my sanity.

2190 days -- i guess i was not good enough for you.........

Im loving the rain right now, I makes me feel better, it helps me think, and sadly it puts me in the mood. I know this is wierd and hard to talk about it. You say I always complain about the samething. I have the same problems with her. And thinking about it; she is right. I do say the samething and I thought it was her. I was wrong on that too. Its more so us. To elaborate it seems that we do not have chemistry. As time passed, chemistry has fallen. It scares me to realize "maybe we are not meant for each other" I seem to stress her out instead of motivating her, my words of inspiration are more so words of hurt. Plus she always acknowledge our different view points. More and more things point to us not lasting much longer. She is a great girlfriend and maybe she deserves someone who wouldnt stress her out like I do. Although she claims no one is interested in her, I believe they would be if she opens up.The thought of long term relationship is starting to burn slowly. I know women says everything changes in marriage, but in looking at everyones marriage it dont. It gets worse, times gets shortened, and more arguments insue. Chemistry is important, and right now (not sure about the future) we are on two different wavelegnths. Maybe i should keep my mouth close, my thoughts locked, and my ears and eyes open in the future. Thats how closed I feel with us right now.

support, loyality, and cookie..........

Some thoughts

My dad was telling me about how people are, " They dont like to see you ahead of them. Many will try to give you bad advice and deter you from your goal." So many examples of that I have to tell him about later on in life. How right he was. I hear grunts about my girlfriend. "Kerry why did you get back with her?" LoL. Cant I just get I am happy for you! More so I get and umph. When I tell them they look at me like "yeah if you say so."Although on this time around I am not as open as I once was. I wonder what she think of these past six months sometimes? I wonder if she even trust me? And why? I seen so many people who are not as trusting in there relationship. I mean after what happened between us, how can she be trusting of me? I seen girls who say there interested and then wander away with other interest. It happen twice to me before. As they wandered, I also started to wander. Happened thanksgiving, Februrary 6th, and October 24th, and in June. Life is crazy. In a way im just waiting for a guy to wow her and steal her away. But if I am lucky to keeper her I would. Would I be hurt........no. I would be happy for her and the time we shared. Good or bad. Doyin ask me why i keep certain pictures. This is why... memories. Still why i keep pics of Arteria in my phone, and Rachelle and Arielle at home. So I hope are path interwine, but if not GOD has her way.
On a random note, i was day dreaming today and I thought about parallel deminsions. Weird.... For example.... if i went to school at home, or if i was married by 19. I think about if decision wernt made, or I decided to do the oppisite of what I did. Let me give you a few senerios. 1) If i didnt hear Bri at the beauty shop. Well maybe she would have another nice boyfriend, or stuck at the scholarship house. The circle would have been open, and maybe it wouldnt be so much friction between the scholarship house. Would Ak psi been in the picture? When she was down maybe she would have develop another close friend during the process. Me on the other hand probally would have been chillin with Victoria alot, or maybe things would have been different between me and Leutrell after that talk we had. Probally would be blocked on by Dani still. LOL. 2) If I would have stayed at Howard? Would I have been happy? I probally wouldnt even have a car because D C is hell to find parking. Would I even have a gf. Would me Lauren became good friends and maybe even visit (since she is from Houston!) Me and Ron would been friends or maybe me and Orlando neighbor (Lenore) would have been cool. (Even though that cut balls had to go away. Probally would see my Auntie more often and my cousin and Farfax. Probally wouldnt hate Lauderdale peope and polk county men so much, and wouldnt even know what Polk county is. Wouldnt transfer and would party differently. Alot of gogo music and more visit from my parents. I would still live in a dorm since D C rent is riduculous. 3) If i actually lived with any of my gurlfriends. Well go in order. Man if Rachelle would have been down hurr-- might not have been pertty. Everytime she got mad at me she would wander to another dude for a man. Tallahassee is too small for that. Also arguements-- two Aries in an arguement never ends well, and in most cases it wouldnt. Me and Bri moved in.... Her and Tiff wouldnt be as close and that would have been bad. Feel Tiff is the closes thing to family for Bri. If we end up breaking up would we have become friends? Man-- if the Teria path was taken how would that have worked. Ironically I think they would have bcame friends. Say that path wouldnt have been taken. Would she had a bf-- in which i would have been cool with. Would our parents been cool with that. Would we have end up like Mike and Tera. Now Arteria on the other hand would have been to live with-- the only person (besides dani) who punches me in my sleep. Would have been a pizza face. Omg a very emotional person when she is on her period who does not like to be alone. Probally would have had alot of home cooked meals and cheesecake. Maybe would have heard less about Doyin since they always get into it, and would have hung out with Jeremy more. Just some thoughts about different directions i could have taken, but this is the chosen path. Got to live with it. (More to come in the future)

Was it really me?

A friend of mine told me today that " I cant really open up to you anymore." I can imagine why? Time and time again i find myself on people's "shit list." When i do help.... I end up messing it up. When I dont help, I end up not being called a true friend. I mean what could I say to that person, but I'm sorry. (even though I didnt think it was my fault). It's not often that I am the direct cause of situations (although i have a couple times, and apolgize to those whom I affected). I feel used; a stepping stone for the cause of problems they created on their on. Closing my words to a chosen few. The rest can only read what I think through my facial expressions. If only people listen to me as I try to listen to them. For choosing all of the above-- i lost my friends. But one thing I questioned was my integrity. They have questioned it; should I? I admit, I make mistakes all humans do; but I know most of time I make my decison based on what I think is right. To have former friends question if I am triffling as they say I am is realistic. To look back and see, hear, and sometimes even cry over some decisons, situations I been through over the last year has made me stronger. People are always going to critique your personality and characteristics, but people who love will always critique you for the better and not for their personal gain. Therefore I will keep my love ones close.

Part 2

Now I am looking towards the future. Realize I cant look towards the past for my future. So I guess I have no choice but to start from a clean slate. I havent been single like this since 2006, and it is an unusual thing. My parents told me not to rush. ( I am going to heed them). More free than ever. ( Even though I would like one) People move to fast. It could lead to mistakes, heartbreak. Its ironic. When I am in one, everyone is single, but when I am out of one everyone is taken or involved. Now I guess its time to get to work, and get out of this state. I see that Florida is not the place for me. I need to get to Texas... or where ever GOD might take me. I see many of my friends getting married. We all got into a relationship at the same time, yet I am the only one who couldnt make it last more than two months. I am developing a family in Florida though. Its lovely and they are the only ones who happen to cheer me up. The time is now.... need to do what I need to do to leave this place and disappear!