Part 2

Now I am looking towards the future. Realize I cant look towards the past for my future. So I guess I have no choice but to start from a clean slate. I havent been single like this since 2006, and it is an unusual thing. My parents told me not to rush. ( I am going to heed them). More free than ever. ( Even though I would like one) People move to fast. It could lead to mistakes, heartbreak. Its ironic. When I am in one, everyone is single, but when I am out of one everyone is taken or involved. Now I guess its time to get to work, and get out of this state. I see that Florida is not the place for me. I need to get to Texas... or where ever GOD might take me. I see many of my friends getting married. We all got into a relationship at the same time, yet I am the only one who couldnt make it last more than two months. I am developing a family in Florida though. Its lovely and they are the only ones who happen to cheer me up. The time is now.... need to do what I need to do to leave this place and disappear!

Part 1 Influx of thoughts

Due to popular demand j/k. But the end of year is coming and I am not where I want to be yet. Im working on it. My thoughts that I had January 1st have disappeared by Thanksgiving. To be honest, I was hoping i was married by now and surprise my parents. The plan was set in June. I guess it was not meant to be married yet. The LSAT turned out to be harder than I thought, so whenever I have time, I am going to lock myself in the room for a couple of months. I heard that what it takes to be successful on the LSAT. I have seen two GF dissappear this year.Which really I wasnt expecting one to dissappear. I have heard things at the end of the year where people were suprised to hear or see. My trust has disappeared, and become harder to obtain. Also find myself wanting to go to the gun range, going to hookah bar and taking chances. More so I am living a more adventurous life. I know how it feels to be treated like crap in a true relationship. In a way that relationship taughted me to forgive because anger can always get you in trouble. I seem to be causing a lot of problems as of late. My ex believes that I am trying to hook up with her sister. As much as I tell her thats not the truth..... she refused to believe me or her sister. I would like to be friends with her, but it doesnt look as if that going to happen. I find forgiveness alot easier these days ( thanks to Arteria) . It what I use to do my freshman year. I need to get back into that thought. I have seen a couple of friends come out and told me they liked me. One was more wierd than the other but at the end I had to let that go. As of late I had to put my emotions on the backburner and start using my brain more often. I understand why Danni wants to wait for her next bf. I understand her thoughts. Thinking of all the mistakes I made with both Bri and Arteria. Lol my mom was right. I got to start listening to her.

Part 1

Running through my mind

First I would like to smile and say thank you, because a chapter has been closed in my life. Time to moving on and learn from my mistakes. Some concepts has been going through my head as of late. Both my mom and I were discussing the wants and needs of women. What would it take for a man to keep a woman, and at the same time keep himself happy? Its a difficult question to answer. People in gerneral have few needs in a relationship, yet most of the time people confused needs and wants. I know I have been guilty of that. (Sorry Bri) Many wants outwiegh others needs; which is not a good concept at all. So I compared the times i was happy, to the times was down. All of my ex's always stated (parapharse) " What about what I want Kerry?" I would always get mad about that statement, but again it is a statement that is true. In a sense if it is something "you" wanted then you should get it. That i can't get mad about, but the problem always arises when I do not want to be apart of that thought proccess. This is where the relationship always ends. One of them peacefully, and two of them in a war. I guess I think like my dad " Why should I stay to try to meet your wants, if you CANNOT even think about my needs." I guess that is why dad says what he says about women I date. Even though I can't go to his extremes, I do agree with his statement. The two relationship ended in war mainly because the lack of support against that thought proccess. I mean why would a man leave if they cared for you like they said they did, regardless of what they might have did. Its true. It also leaves the choice of staying the relationship and being depressed, or leave and have them hate you for it. Tough decision!
This leaves me to my second concept. A friend of mine explained the concept of destiny. " You know that is the person you want to spend the rest of you life with, but you cannot be with that person just yet" I was stunned by those words. Especially when it came from her. She loves that man more than anyone in the world. I used this concept to justify i few choice words that was said to me. "Kerry you are the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with, I just need you to be patient. I am going through a transitional phase" I never did get that statement untill my friend told me the destiny quote. I asked Elise about it, and she said her x told her the samething. "How long was I suppose to wait?" Asked my x about it, and she didnt seem to fond by that thought process. I agree with her. More than likely it was a concept Arteria was practicing. She wasnt sure, but i helped her make her decision. Interesting enough... the one think that could have fueled that thought was the friendship between my x and I. I thought deeper in this concept and hypothesised that maybe Rachelle practiced that thought too. Damn. Although this time I am on the other side of this equation. I beleive it is selfish to think that way, and will try to look for it in the future. I always tell her to stay and work it out with her bf (who hopefully she will marry one day). She sees him differently than i do, but only she knows whats best for her. I would not want to get in a relationship if I knew it would be temporary. Its not a thought shared by all people though. My mom compared dating to game of chess. You predict what move the person is going to make, and then make your moving accordingly. If you do not agree or like the person move, you step back. On the otherhand if that person move is to your liking, you persue.

Death

My heart died.... my soul turned cold, and my passion is gone. But I will conquer

Would be foolsih to be in a relationship with Kerry A. Moore II

I look upon this weekend, and notice I am not happy. I look at others and realize that I am making very few people happy. I'm not telling them what they want to hear. Words are tools, but actions are powerful. These past 4 weeks Arteria and I have not been on the same page. She doesnt trust me with Brianna but more importantly I ve been feeling ice cold around her. It seems we dont vibe. Nothing is smooth with us nor natural. Work and school has been her agenda for the past four weeks.... at least thats what she tells me. At first she says its me wanting to baby and wanting her to be around me all the time. Man them words sound familiar. Started to think it was me and maybe she was right. So I sat back and relaxed; kept my distance from her. She never knew how cold she was to me even if I told her; she still had her mindset on what was going on. At the sametime i see a warm heart around her friends. Especially Jeremy and Daija. Arteria has one of the biggest hearts that i seen, yet some how it was lost between us. Never really smiled around me, always frustrated with me, never happy with me. Everything she hasnt experience i tried to give to her. Never been treated out to eat, I did that more than once. Never been treat to the movies; treated her and her best friend out. Never recieved a gift; gave her favorite flowers for sweeties day. Yet she still remained cold. Finally i told her, we really needed to talk. I told her this on Friday. Honestly I just wanted to know why has she been acting this way. Saturday comes and she works, then she decides to go to the homecoming game. Its coo with me, as long I could just have 15 minutes out the day to talk to her. Later on that day I asked her about hanging out. I figured maybe we could talk then. She says no, and that she has to study. Ok.... Later I find out that she going out with her friends. (Was the talk not important to her? or maybe she just trying to avoid me. I didnt kno) At that point i thought maybe she doesnt feel the same way she did and thought we should just be friends. A woman who told me she doesn't do clubs in the name of GOD, but decides to go tonight. She wanted to do something for "her." Man at that point i saw everything clear as day. We just need to be friends. The reaction i got when i told her. Pissed, anger, and cuss said at me. She says its our decision and not yours Kerry. First time in a long time I even heard the word us. Again, I know she has a kind heart. I seen that in her last relationship. I dont question her thoughts, i just question her actions. Thats all i wanted to ask her is why? Maybe I am not prepared to hear the answer just yet.
As this was going on, i start to run into some other issues. One of my exgurlfriend trying to make this comeback. Honestly all i really see her right now as a friend. Her sister is pushing the fact that we were meant to be together. I keep telling them that its not going to happen, more importantly I don't want it to happen. In a way that hurt her. Made her feel depress which i dont want her to feel. I could be best of friends with her, but she is always going to want more from me. This issue do not look like it is going to die easy. I do not want to be mean about it but i might have to start ignoring her. Later on that day, i get a text from one of my old homegurls. I liked when we was just friends. She made this drastic change. The once shy friend I had is now gone. Now it's just this horny gurl who wants to fuck. She not stopping either. Persistant and confident, which im not use to, is her characteristics. Has she forgotten I had a gurlfriend? Or does that even matter these days? I never told her I broke up with Brianna, so why this change? I can't even see her the same now. Third, i was told by a another friend of mind that she has this feeling. I ask her if its a good feeling. She thinks about it and says yes. I told her to act upon this feeling but she tells me she can't. I ask her why, and she just tell me she can't. I get the picture. After what she done in her past, if it has to do with me its never going to happen. Guaranteed. To be honest, I only can see two people who I possible want to be with. One has a cold heart towards me and is working on herself. She is turning to God and changing her ways. The other is also working on herself and has suprised me by the words she has said. Its interesting how I interact with Arteria and Brianna. I should tell them it would take a fool to want a relationship with me? I just can't succeed in doing the right thing to keep either of them happy. And it seems they are both happy without me. :) I am glad they are!

October 8th

Today was an interesting day, filled with thoughts. My gurls going through a delimma, and as she explained it me, I had a chilling thought. Maybe i was wrong. The idea of leaving your friends for the your significant other. She feels bad about how she and her friend relationship went downhill. Her friend blames it on me. I thought that was perposterous, but as time went on we have been spending alot of time together. So maybe D is right. Yet when D is with her boy.....she blows my gurlfriend off. She feeling sad because she believed its all her fault. This idea of friends vs significant other is playing in my head once again. I remember how mad I use to get when my X would do things with her friends. Its cool with me to hang out with your friends sometimes but dont neglect your boyfriend either. This time the oppisite has happen.... having too much care for your bf, and neglecting your friends. So what we did is separate ourselves and only limit it to the weekend in hopes that she will regevenate D and her relationship. I beleive that the relationship rest in D hands and not my gurl. Yet she is so stuck on her boyfriend that she is not willing to make and effort to fix their relationship. The good thing is arteria and her best friend can develop a deeper relationship, which i know will make her happy. That i do want! I look back and i feel bad. Did I hinder the development of deeper relationship with bri's friends. She has develop a deeper relationship with some of her friends. I know it makes her happy. School was always an issue between me and bri..... always claiming she had homework to do, but still hanging with her friends a lot of the time, not all the time. :) the time me and arteria have spend helped her gain more trust in me. In which i kinda wish me and bri would have done. In a way im glad she has develop more love for her friends. In I hope arteria cheers up soon. If her and doyin relationship develops again because of the absents of me, then i know what i must do. In the end, i just wish for both Arteria and Bri's happiness.

October 6

October 6 was an interesting day to say the least. I started to have flashbacks about the all the summ1er situation, that i found interesting to put me in the perdicument I was in that day. We went to the mall, to help my sister's shop for some clothing. Went to the story and it hit me that today was October 6. O shit, and wow, got a little emotion, angry, and concerned. To distract myself i just kept helping them shop for clothing. We went to applebee's and wished arteria could have went, but she had to work. She claims we always do something when she at work. Came to the mall and was lathargic from all that food. I wonder how they had managed to combat the sleepiness. Must be a gurls thing. So we went from store to store. Eventually they decided to American Greetings. Its where michelle works at. Im feeling kind of embarrassed because I ve really havent talked to her much. Even though i have made a few attempts to try to see how she is doing. Really never answered back. As soon as she seen me, I kind of turned away. "Its like that now" Really wasn't because of her but because of me. Yet I really didnt want to explain it in public. So they talked a lil bit, and we left. I knew i was going to hear about whenever she got off of work. I was counting on it! The next stop was finish line, and my o my, thats where arteria's x work at. Good thing is we didn't say much. Just had a bad vibe, and increased tension between us. So as the night went on, i wanted to check to see how my x was doing. Text the first time, and really didnt get an answer. Thought she might have been busy, so i got the feeling to text the second time, and she popped up. It was wierd because i felt some pain when we talked. Actually discovered some actions, in which i apolgized for. At the same time michelle texts me saying thats how its going to be. I told her i was complete wrong (which in a way she didnt answer n e way) and i was sorry for the way i treated her as of late. Lol for the first time ever... she called out my full name. I told her y i acted like that in the mall, and how embarrassed I felt about the situation. Never got a reponse back. I was wonder talking to Bri, it was intersting how the convosation went along. I have alot to tell her. Alot to explain. So my gurlfriend calls me up and says she on her way. At the time i was setting up the bath water to take a nice hot bath. Told bri was going to jump in. I unlocked the door and jumped in the bath. So i was telling arteria about the whole day today and she just listened and gave an opinon on the today. Finished my bath, felt refreshed, and laid in the bed. I guess yesterday was not just an emotional day for YOU BUT ME TOO. I had alot on my mind, and wondered how did i allow these situations to develop. Looked at my phone and watched 11:59 pm Oct 6 turn into the new day. Laid down with arteria and headed to sleep.

Just shut up and listen

I wish I can these are all happy times, but I really can't. I'm lost and confused. Frustrated and sad, lost at the fact that I can't really do anything to help resolve this situation. I want to be this pillow in which she can lay her head down and relax. I don't know how to explain it. He cheers her up so easily..... i wish i could, or be that silly. A title means so much, but maybe this title is tainted. Maybe i want something I can't have or so desperately want. Then again maybe its not what i need right now. I agree she does care, and she wants this to work. The selfish part of me wants us to be together, and for us to work it out. In reality it's not right! So i have to let her figure out life on her own. Its honestly what she wants to do, I am not going to make the same mistake twice and push for anything. I found myself quiet, and just listening. I think I might do that for a while..... voicing my opinion never did me right, nor did it matter (accept for my parents). Can't say much these days. Im still scared for the summer, and although my heart was still open, it closed up some tonight. Well not closed, but well guarded. I can't people to understand the thoughts that appear in my head, NOT ONE PERSON. Lol, so why not keep them to myself. Every time i try i fail in changing people with my words, actions are temporary. So at this point i will shut my eyes, shut my mouth, and just open my ears. Keep what I have to say inside of me.

Ms. Beauty

You know whats been on my mind as of late. The beach... the place where i can go, relaxing, and have an empty mind. The last time i went, I saw a full ocean, with deep dark water. I was so happy to see the ocean replenished. For the first time, I saw something unique at the beach, and I want to experience it again. The only thing is, its hard to predict when its going to come out again, and when it is not going to be cloudy. It was like a dream...... I had to pinch myself. It was like she attracted me to her. At that time, I never seen her so damn beautiful. One of these days i gotta take my gurl to see her. Lol she met her before, but I don't think she paid attention. Maybe i need to formally introduce them next time, LOL. I hope they get along. I will be coming to her soon, she just going to have to be patient.

Can I be Superman?

Over the last couple days, I have been in some serious thought. I want it to work past no ends but there are a few road blocks that i must get around before I achieve this. Its nothing new to me, I have done it before. My last relationship it took a good six months for her to really trust me. So I do understand the trust issue. Sometimes i wish I would have been there in the beginning. The reason why I say this is because people mold the way you think, and sometimes the way you feel. My last relationship, I hope i mold her for the better, so the obstacles I had to face, the next boyfriend will not have to face. Yet I am in this dilemma with this gurl..... who have always been molded negatively by past relationships. I know she has a kind heart, I see it, I feel it, I can look in her eyes and just tell. I can also tell she has a lot pain in her heart, i can see that at night. Sometimes i watch her, and thoughts in her mind are not a peace. One day she told me that made me think hard, and long. It concerns her that i am thinking like that. Yeah, I cant lie, it hurts my heart, but I am not the person to give up that easy. That night I was thinking of a way to open her heart once again if its possible. How did I do it last time? or was it a miracle? In either case, I need to think of something without hurting her. Once again I failed love, I failed in my last relationship. I tried to be superman ...... when i just realized I only can be Kerry Alfred Moore II. I see myself trying to being superman once again. I guess i really feel passionate about my relationships. I learned that michelle adams didnt fail me, i more than likely failed . My best was not enough, so next time i have to push myself beyond what i think im capable of. You never realize things until time has pass. I guess thats God's way of teaching us life lessons.
I see that everyone is a passionate mood, but behind the scenes people are struggling to keep there relationship going. So secretive.......... i figure if there making it, then i can. Its about time for me to grow some. I guess i need to go to one of my favorite spots and just think. I worry about others so much, i forget to let others worry about me. Social life is so damn difficult..... so can Kerry Alfred Moore II be superman? Should I be superman...... i guess now is the time to test that out.



In the minds and thought of KAM II

Lost in Time, Lost in Action, Lost in Thought

These days I don't know who to trust. Well lets be honest...... there are a few people I can trust, but when love and lust is involved its a dangerous situation. I might have lost two friends to that idea. I want to save them from what is going to happen, but sometimes people do not want to be saved. I been under a lot of criticism. Its like people view me as a lier. WTF???? I tried to help you, and you go do that. I am under a lot of scrutany. I should have listen to my parents and stayed out of it. Did I listen...... NO. Because maybe my friends would do that to me, but I understand what I must do. Drop it, and dont give no information or opinion. Lesson learned.
Im lost with Bri right now. Maybe I thought I knew her, but it seems like the more i talk to her, the more she is like a total stranger to me. Might as well say " Hi my name is Kerry, what yours bonita?" She says things to make me jealous. AND I HATE IT! But again if we not together then its no use of getting mad about it. Lol i try to explain what I want...... but im starting to realize its not what she wants. Im dunce sometimes. On top of that i feel that i become an annoyance to her, even though she says that I not. I think I am annoying a lot people these days. Feel like i am annoying Michelle and Brianna. So I am going to stop texting or calling. Bryan annoyed with me, how interesting. Doyin is annoying me, so i will not be calling or text her. All this tension building. Wow! Let me get out of here.
One of my homeboys is experiencing love. He feels that he is not ready for love, but love is ready for him. In the car he told me how it began. She had her friends keep him occupied while she prepared for his surprised. When the time was right, she called him and let him know she had a surprised for him. When he came to the house, he smelled the dinner, and she was dressed down. I smiled because i could imagine the look on his face. She fixed his plate, poured some wine and ate a beautiful dinner. He was wowed by what she done, but she was not done. After dinner she oiled him down and gave him a massage. At that moment, he knew that she was a keeper. Its amazing how lucky some people are. Maybe one day I would get that kind of treatment, or maybe i might treat them like that. Its surprises like that which win a man's heart. Man....................... thats the kinda thing i want to give to my girlfriend/wife. Its just sad I cannot do that right now, or experience that type of treatment. PATIENT MR. MOORE YOUR TIME WILL COME! ................... I will wait for time, but the question is will time wait for me?


In the words and action of Kerry Alfred Moore JR

Michelle / Valarie

August 17, 2008, a special day for one of the people I care about, comes and i find out i needed to tie some loose ends. At first I was honestly mad at her because i truely wanted her to be my wife. I just needed to see a commitment. But maybe I wasnt clear in my words, or statements. Or maybe she just choose her own happiness at the end. 99.9% of the time people would make that choice. On the other hand .1% that chooses to stay is stupid. Lol but that .1% ends up being your husband or wife. It just shows that commitment towards a relationship and qualities you can build on in the future. Two things happen today that im glad happen. Well first she told me she kissed another guy. That took a lot of guts, and i respect her for that. Second she made the decision for her happiness. It might have took a lot to drag out, but at the end I m glad she made the decision for happiness. Ironically her decision made me happy, because we closed up the uncertainty. I think for the first time, the idk became the words yes or no. At the end of choosing her happiness, she allowed to have mine. Beleive it or not I was willing, and sacraficing my happiness for her because thats how much i loved her. The thing is could she do it for me when that time came? In my mind i was willing to wait to see, but she couldnt go out and have her fun and have me too. That would just make me jealous, lets face it. Although i did break up with her the key word was commitment. Ultimately she did make a commitment, and that was to herself. She is a wonderful, intellegent, goal driven woman who will go far in life, but on 08/17/08 at the age of 21. She decided not to be MY phenomenal woman. And i completely understand, because at the end who would want to go through all that stress accept Kerry Alfred Moore II honestly. Well im still searching for that woman.
On a different note, it opened up new ideas. Her mom and my dad are right in this case. They each gave us the advice not to be to serious. Im just naturally a serious person and like to be in a serious committed relationship, which leads me to my next chapter. A friend of mine started to develop feelings for me, but once again she is confused. She dont whether she wants a relationship now or not. As a twenty year old guy, I can ready bullshit, but this time I think her state of mind is legit. She feels my homeboy a lil, which is natural because every single gurl does, but she actually came to me and said "I love you..." Which shocked me and completed with "more than you will ever know." I treated her as if she was danni. I will do anything for danni, and will do just as much for her. At first I always thought that i would get back with my X. Even after that incident, but GOD works in mysterious ways. Closed up one chapter, and has me wondering about another chapter. Maybe my X did get a little jealous every time i mentioned her name, but on the hand i talked about my x more than i did about her. Mainly it was for advice because she is intellegent and we talk on that level. What attracts me to her is her motherly adidtude. She takes care of everyone she loves. Its something I watch out for when I do see people. Took care of bryan, took care of danni, and EVEN COOKED FOR ME WHEN I WAS SAD. I almost cried when she did that. Thats what good friends are for right? So honestly if the family likes you, then im going to naturally like you and try to take care of you. The question is will she be willing to make a commitment? A lot of woman that I HANG AROUND don't. I hope not that necessarily she an exception ( that would be nice) but i just hope that i will find that exception. I mean who knows, she could become my childs god mother, or she could be my future wife. It just leaves me to be curious, yet in patient.

Just want to mention happy birthday Brianna, and celebrate your 21st birthday like it is your only!

Today im here looking at the jar of money i saved. Im still saving for the same cause, yet I dont know who I am saving it for........................ time will tell

Kerry's Tears of Blood

Cry and cry and cry. Let me cry those bloody tears of mine. Heaven here on earth is dead, and don't want to live here any more. Hardaches and sacrafice gets only worse results. If someone would kill me today. I would only smile as a bleed to death. This world is cruel and has no remorse for my heart. The devil lurks inside of me, but only people can see the actions of God when I make them smile. Before that devil destroys my soul, please kill me. I was once happy, but now the thundrstorms reign in my sky, with nothing there to rescue me from these hardaches. I find my bright eyes has became dark and dim. My once bright smile now shows rotten teeth. My youthful skin has wrinkled. Death has risen upon me. The darkest days lie ahead where I only can cry tears of Blood

The ghost of her past

Things a different these days. The group has became larger, im stressing more, and making more sacrafice. On the other hand I have had some memorable moments. I was able to to see two beautiful things this week that i normally would not see. When that happens it always allow me to think about my life. I realize that I am on the downfall. I compare this events to the ides of March when Julius Ceasar was warned about the future. He did not listen. I usually take my dreams seriously but this time I was told not to worry about it. Mistake. Now i lost my happiness, and she slows starts to forget about me. My second dream came true yesterday, and now im waiting for that final dream to come true. The only thing about these dreams is that i can do nothing about it. I only can watch like a helpless spectator. Just a thought..... maybe Brianna is right. Words may not say it. And this time its not actions. Its just her adiditude towards this who idea. It makes me wonder. She always says its her fault and she needs to work on somethings, but nothing gets worked on. Newsflash says maybe its MYSELF to blame for whats going on here. I need to better myself to make gurls even think im worth there time. Damn i sound desperate! I was always told to be myself, and don't change who you are. LOL FUCK THAT! That idea don't work in 2008, at least not for women in Tallahassee. It is a lost art for women just like chilvery for men. I feel my heart is going colder and colder. Everytime i try, I do something wrong. I FAIL. Effort is not enough. Sometimes sacrafice is not even either. Words action and thoughts cannot dictated fate. I find myself looking and her profiles and realize I am just a ghost! So as hard it is not to call or text her . August 13, 2008 was my last time talking to her (besides her birthday). Deep down inside i do beleive she is past me and the famous response is "if thats how you feel" She has showed me nothing else or told me nothing else to let me know what is up. Sigh.

Cold hearted

I been told a lot of things over the past two and a half weeks. Some of them good and some of them bad. But i been told what i wanted to be told, and not what a i need to hear. People always tell me the dont know. People are confused. Im not sure. These things are all familar in my life. I ve been told that more as of late, but some changed. I started to think and figure. Momma didnt raise no fool, or did she? I get the message! I get the FUCKING MESSAGE! Please excuse my language in this one. I can be retareded and slow sometimes, so it takes me a while to put 2 and 2 together. HAHAHA feel like eminem when he gets crazy. Im just on the edge! I'm ready to scrap, ready to argue, i am not myself i admit. Hummm, good morning detroit, good evening life, and good night hope. I am realizing the donwfall of Kerry Alfred Moore II. I m crazed, deranged and now will keep to myself. This is not a knock towards any one but me. Honestly i want to look back 15 years from now, and laugh for my stupidity. I remember i was my own best friend ( besides GOD). I now trust no gurl, cant put them before my homeboys. There still here, they arent. Crazy huh! HAHAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, i hate myself. I hate you Kerry Alfred Moore. I been told that this week, and you know what i agree. All I can say is you win!



In the crazy thoughts and ideas of KAM!!

Kerry Alfred Moore Jr. vs. Kerry Alfred Moore II

It must be one of these nights i decided to look at her profile. I was thinking of the good times and the bad times. I been thinking of the positive, and been thinking of the negative. I think of my life with her and i think of my life without her. Its crazy because my mind is in this delimma. What should I do? Should I wait and hope, or should i move on? Both are taking a toll on my happiness. I find myself teder todering through possibilities. I look on her profile and slowly notice that I am disappearing out of her life. Were our memories shallow? Were they real? Maybe they died when i said " I think we should be friends." I cant tell if your happier with me or without me. Sometimes i wonder did I make the right decision. I find myself in a constant quagmire with myself. One wants to be with her, the other wants to give her the space she needs. The only thing they agree on is that they want to achieve that happiness that she deserve. As time pass, it seems that her happiness does not include Kerry Alfred Moore II. Not in her favorites, not in her mind. So we enter the eleventh hour with no hope in site. Dreams dashed, no longer deferred but deterred. Just leaving me lonely, lost only in a though, and fading reality. No longer your love, but just another friend that you have and will probably lose contact and interest in. A deterred dream huh! She only hears the bad side. The negative side. the side of Kerry Alfred Moore II. If only i could remind her about the past. But i cant because i can't remember myself. She has lost that flame for me, and now it cant be replaced. I wish her happiness for the future. Lost in the mind, thoughts, and ideas of Kerry Alfred Moore II.



Thoughts in the mind of Kerry Alfred Moore Jr

A Familar Song

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I never dreamed you'd leave in summer I thought you would go then come back home I thought the cold would leave by summer But my quiet nights will be spent alone You said there would be warm love in springtime That is when you started to be cold I never dreamed you'd leave in summer But now I find myself all alone You said then you'd be the life in autumn Said you'd be the one to see the way You know I never dreamed you'd leave in summer But now I find my love has gone away Why didn't you stay? In the Thoughts and Mind of KAM II

Young Black Women

Wow.......... sometimes i wonder how women think. I'm use to hearing how a lot of men are dogs, and how they only want one thing. Men want sex! I must be crazy if i can find one gurl who can see past that in me. Because I am young, and I am college, and most importantly I am a male thats all i look for in women. In the experiencing that i realize thats all the see in me, a person who likes and wants to fuck! How angry, upset, and disappointed I am in that mentality, and escpecially in our women. Hummm........... thats life huh. How kind I every treat any gurl special, who doesnt really see me special. I'm the same as the guy who tried to fuck you. Humph..... Thats not special. Lol. Thats not me! But who am i kidding man. Women do not believe one word a say. Everything i do is fake and is a lie. I am only after one thing huh? Ok ill prove ya wrong as I always have to do. If you cant come at me with a pure mentality about me, then dont come at me at all. I just hope that one day that thought could be liberated from women, and my thoughts could be libereated. But for right now, I lost all hope in Black women. THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ALL WOMEN! ESPECIALLY WOMEN IN COLLEGE! Live thoughts and actions in mind of KAM II

my thoughts

I was running a video of my past, and my dad use to play this song. I havent heard it in over 15 years, and all of a sudden i stated to sing it. Lol i guess i more diverse in music than i thought. But here are the lyrics:

Crazy
(Willie Nelson)

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Never notice how strong the lyrics were until i listened and sung it. I guess things happen for a reason huh? I sung this song, and it put a smile on my face as if i was four years old again. Another serious thought in the head of KAM II.

Deep Rooted Love?

They say love is suppose to be compromising. So if loving suppose to be compromise why does it not feel right. For the sake of the relationship I compromise the idea of ultimate intimacy. Intamacy is something great, which i will never be able to express with the one I love. So is Intamacy wrong? For us it is, and to believe that one day ultimate intamacy will one day be achieved is nothing but an innuendo. So is intimacy the heart of all relationship. My belief was always yes. It is what binds every belief, and every thought, and every feeling into one moment. It is that passion that keeps the love strong, secure, and everlasting. Every couple dreams of it, and others cherish that oppertunity. It is the pivot part of every relationship. The first time two people experience the ultimate intimacy, is even compared to heaven right here on earth. I once dreamed of that kind of place. Heaven here on earth. Everyone claims its obtainable. Well its not. Just one sentence closed that door to heaven. As much as i try to hide, or fight this sadness i cant. My smile is fading quicker than usual. My once young and optimistic eyes have now turned elderly and blind. My youth and dreams have dwindled to adulthood and reality. So can love exist without intimacy? I dont know yet, but i just know she is starting to lose me. And if a idea is worth losing the "man you love" than its worth it. Sometimes you have to lose things to gain an idea of what love is.

Breezes

Its a free Sunday, with free thoughts. I been hanging out with my friends who have countless stories, arguements and love scenes. As of late i been wanting to go to the beach. Get my mind clear, and honestly just chill and talk. I want to feel the cool breeze of the water and observe the shells on the beach. And yes i want to even see a couple of sharks. (Weird aint it). But want to sit back and think about the past. The wrong choices i ve made and what would have happen if iI had made the right ones. People go though life making choices, and sometimes people dont know what the right choices are. Sometimes we just have isolate ourselves from the world to really know whats right and whats wrong.

Sadest week of my life

I have to say, i have never work so hard to fall so flat on my face. Im crushed, disassembled, and lost to explain how this weekend have gone so far. Everyone is so on track. And me? im just a former shell of myself. Conquered, foiled, and crumbling. People say you make your own luck. Well as of late, luck has been taken away from me. Prayer and hope are all a false since of security that blinded me in the past. Hard work do not equal success, its just another false since. I guess everything happens for a reason, and in some since maybe there is something greater that will happen to me in the future. But for right now, i feel as if i had fallen to the every lasting grip of darkness and dispair, deeply thinking in my mind that maybe im wrong about hope and prayer. So far, it doesnt look like the end is in site, nor am i wrong about this dispair that im feeling towards life right now. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I FELT SO ALONE IN THE DARK! LET MY SOUL BE HUMBLED

Under pressure

Things are starting to creep up on me in life. I have to good on these finals, (despite studying my ass off i got a damn 76 on my test). Im moving into a new apartment in which i need to find a decent paying job. I need to get these classes out the way for graduation. And to top it off, i have to get a great l sat score to help pay for law school. My gurlfriend is going on her intership this summ\er. She is busy these days, and although i do respect the effort she put in to spend time with me; it seemed we didnt bond this weekend honestly. It happens and understand, so i just let it be and be happy with just seeing her. My friend is going through so things, and its bothering me that i cant do shit to help her. I tend not to answer my phones have the time because im going to here the samething. "You should leave your gurlfriend, I can treat you better". ARE THEY STUPID. I KNOW IM NOT! My mom pressure to get things done, and i then give advice to my baby cousin about college. ( Im happy she is growing up faster than me). Everyone has this pressure that i will do something great. CAN I? We will see in these coming years if i can handle the pressure.

Dreaming

Just the other day i saw a corina comercial where it was pitch black at the beach, and it was clear. As the moonlight passed over the beach, all there was left was the imprint of foots heading to the water. I been to the beach at night just once, and sadly it was pitch black with no moonlight. I had to use a flashlight. But one day i want to go the beach when the moon is full, and the beach is bright. From time to time, i drive to the beach to disregard my problems, and enjoy the finer things in life. But just once i want to go at night under the moonlight. I really do care if im alone or not (prolly would pefer to have some company), lay on the beach and watch the moonlight glicin of the water. For right now i can only dream about it. Im interested to hear the noises that occur at night in the beach. (the animals not the humans). Talking about a place heavenly on earth, for right now thats about the closest thing to heaven. Anything can happen there but again its only i dream right.

The less time spend the more love grows

So its been a while since i been on here, but that passion has returned. So this time i want to talk about something i realized. I want to talk about my baby. Its interesting because she said she would change, and she did. How lovely. She loves me that much to make a change for our relationship. The more I see her, the more immense I become in her. Sometimes I just stare into her eyes just because i find her whole demeanor just sexy. Wow, never felt like this before (is this true love). I know i be acting selfish, but my selfishness is for her; for me to be with her. This past weekend taughted me something. More time i away from her, the more I yearn for her. Even though im in love with her, i learned that the time apart creates greater love for her. So what i try to do is let her have her freedom some. Its hard, but its something that i feel its benifical. Baby im not saying to break up. NOOOOOOOOO I WOULD NEVA DO THAT! Love becomes stronger when you realize how much you actually miss that person. This pass weekend showed that. So im going to work not to question her actions because afterwards my love is just going to grow stronger for her. I Love you baby.